Final Draft

do not rely on past

and especially not memories.

do not make promises of distant future either

no matter how great the love at the present.

love is in present tense and will only always be.

if one loves now, that is enough for the moment, and is true only for the moment.

love now, love again now, and fall in love all over again with every passing days and weeks

but never let its reoccurance make you slack and habitual -

the moment you take it for granted, the love will no longer be there and our gluttonous selves only start tragedy.

아껴주고, 챙겨주고, 배려해주고, 사랑하고싶어.

너를 생각하며 웃는 새벽이 좋아

쓰잘데 없는 일에 기뻐할 너도 좋아

남을 위해 노력하게 되는 나도 좋아

사랑하는 내가 너무 좋아.

what I want to be to you,

and what I want you to be to me.

is that I'm not negating you, nor second-guessing my feelings for you.

I only wish to reflect on the manner in which my feelings are being manifest, the root and the nature of my feelings for you, and whether or not I can justify that as being love.

and if I can't, I'm going to have to let you go, no matter the amount or the urgency of love.

I hope you can understand my obsession with clarifying this detail that seems to you tedious, inconsequential, and irrelevant. I hope you do not doubt the sincerity, intensity, and urgency of love I have cultured for you after all this time. I want it to be right, in every aspects; and I don't want to do you injustice, even if you would love it that way. If my love is to be all-encompassing, all-transcendental and all-accepting as I have often claimed it was in the past, I want to be able to prove it to myself; otherwise I'll be allowing lies as acceptable basis of my expression of love.

Maybe it would have been better never to doubt such things, but I believe the love would have forever remained naive and shallow that way. Now that I have doubted, I want to be able to overcome it, with full recognition and awareness of the root of the doubt; and let me even go so far as to daresay, that I had confidence to plunge right into this kind of doubt only because I really believed in us.

I loved you, I still do, and I will always. But I will not say so, until I can justify my feelings to myself.

the reason I loved you;

the reason I couldn't get enough of you -

is because I saw myself in you.

connecting with oneself through another can manifest in wonderful ways not possible alone, and I was obsessed with the possibilities that arise from that.

but can love be so self-absorbed like that? Surely you and I are two different people, and looking at only where I identify with you does not do justice to your self, and your identity. Surely I was obsessed with you, even if that was only an idea of you that I had. Surely I loved you, even if it was for reasons that did not encompass your end of needs. But does that make us an idea of love? I'm not so sure.